[.:.InGrid's Alter Ego.:.]

Listening to some old songs, not really that old songs, but my high school time songs. make me remember someone. he's one of the guy that i knew who loved boy band! and ..... i just can say he teach me a lot of things ....

He's the one who teach me to do a lay up shoot, he's also the one who teach me with some mIRC stuff ... and he's the one who accompanny me to my friends birthday party... and all those things in the class, studying together for exam.... It's been 5 years since he left us all... but yet the memory still remain so vivid in my mind... still remember his last Christmas card for me ... i still have it with me ...

It seems like he's still here with us .... we like to throw some stupid jokes toward each other, and sometimes like to play  prank toward my other friends.

DOn't know whether I'm the only one who sometimes feel miserable when think bout him, or there's other person who feel the same way. He's one of my best buddy ...

only 1 thing that i regret till now ... the argument we have in the phone just right before he left us ... it was somehow like leaving a big scar in my heart ... i never told him I'm sorry for the stupid argument we had ... and yet he left us all ... and no matter how hard i try ... he will never ever know the way i feel toward him ....

Love,

Ingrid~

I've just watch the movie "Man About Town" last Saturday. This movie is about a guy who try to know himself. He was like lost in the middle of nowhere, trying to figure out by himself, who he really is. It's kind of remind me to myself. even not that extremes, sometimes i try to figure out something myself, while in fact there's a lot of people who're willing to lend their hands to help me.

Sometimes people trying to help us, but we are too afraid to accept their helps. We are afraid to open ourselves to them. Afraid that people will turn their back from us when they know our little 'dark' secret.

It's not easy to open up yourself to others, heck ... it's not even easy to open up to your ownself. Sometimes we're too arrogant, we're to stubborn! that we don't want to be honest to ourselves. we even trying to block it from our mind... acted like nothing really happen or really matter ...

Do i know myself? i can't say I know myself ... Sometimes i feel lost... like in the middle of junction, trying to find the right path. I even doubt the path that i'm walking rite now.... too much doubt, too many things to be consider ....

Maybe i really should write down a journal, just like in the movie ... writing a journal everyday ... and reveal your big and darkest secret inside it .... it might help me to explore myself better ..... but do i really want to open the door that wide? will it scare the hell out of me .... looking deep down, digging deeper through my mind ....

Wondering, what if i found something that i don't want to know .... something that i've been trying to block away... or i might awaken 'someone' in my mind ... the other me .... *sigh*

Love,

Ingrid~

 

I've been so stressful lately ... so many 'un-necessary' thought been running through my mind... it makes me think and wondering .... if I am still the girl i used to know... It tooks me for a while to think about who i really am ... I'm trying to reflecting my life ... trying to look back at things i've done, have i done the right thing? have i done something worse .... I do realize sometimes if i'm trying to do the right things, it might end up hurting people too, it can't be 100% risk free ... i'm trying to make the risk smaller ... pressing it down near 0% ... but sometimes it's not even that easy .... I remember telling people, live your life to the fullest... just do what you want, to make you happy ... don't let other people dictated you.. this is your own life for god sake ... i used to live my life as i want, but as i grow up, i learn a lot of things ... we can't be that egoistic, there's still a lot of things to be consider ... I want to be that carefree like i used to be, but it seems like as i grow up, and the experience that i've been through, made me realize i can't be like that anymore. it's just so unrealistic ... Wearing a mask in front of people is tiring too, pretend everything is okay... pretend that you're happy... i think the quote i've heard before is quite true ... i don't remember the exact quote but more or less it goes like "life is like being in the stage" ... As you went on to the stage, you have to play certain role. to entertain people.... when you're acted as a cheerful person, even when you're sad, you got to put on your mask .... I feel nowadays, most people never showing their trueself, instead they're wearing a mask while dealing with other people, and I'm in no exception ... i do it too, sometimes too often ... that it made me forget which is the real me? isn't it a paradox? sometimes it was to impress someone .... but sometimes the mask we are wearing is to protect ourselves from being threaten or being hurt .... i used to think i'm a very simple person ... but someone told me ... i'm so complicated ... it make me think even more ... am i a complicated person who's trying to make people think that i am simple? or I am simple and i don't want people to read me that easily and i pretend to be complicated ... whatever ... this question made me confused too... It's like I'm in confusion stage ... yes well i am! ..i'm confused with everything ... feel unsecure sometimes ... feels like i'm so paranoid n crazy -_- Struggling hard to have my 'old' self BACK!!!!! Love, Ingrid~