[.:.InGrid's Alter Ego.:.]

现在的心情真不知道该如何表达。觉得开心，但也觉得很伤心。这两种不同的感觉一直在我的心理，好像在跟我开玩笑，好像在取笑我。这样的我，听起来好像很懦弱。当然得啦，从小到大我总是不让人家看到我脆弱的一面。但一着憋在心里， 好难受。我本来不想让人家看见这样的我。
我很想放松，让所有的烦恼跟着峰一起漂走。飘呀飘，让风把它带到远远的地方去。

 

喜欢一个人有时候会很辛苦，如果两人相爱并不表示一切都很顺利。以前有那样的想法。但我经历了很多，让我觉悟起来。

 

我不知不觉地想起了一个人。他对我来说是很重要的。那么多年的友谊，当然不会在一日之间把它给忘掉。但过了5年的时间还挂年他，我想问题是在于我吧？虽然挂念他，但无法对他说，这样的心情好难受。很想见他一眼，好像跟他说我多么的感激他，但这机会不会来临的。他离开了世界5年的时间，但他在我心里的位置是无法被取代的。

 

我承认我恨我的一位朋友，觉得是他的疏忽财害死了他。但命中注定要这样的话，我也无话可说。

 

他的死给了我很大的打击，但让我学了一种东西。如果你喜欢一个人的话，别等到明天，别以为有的是时间。有很多事是出乎我们的意料中。不是每件事能够掌握在我们的手里。当你后悔的话，全部都已经太晚了。

 

自己的幸福是掌握在自己的手里，就看你自己有什么打算。你选去追它或是你选放弃了它。全都是你的手中。最要紧的是别觉得后悔。

 

在我人生中，我觉得有很多事让我觉得很遗憾，很后悔。但我没法把它改变。但虽然后悔我也觉得很感激。因为我所经历的事帮我成长，让我体会到人生的道理。经历了那么多的事，让我开始领悟到了很多很多我以前从没想过的事情。

 

到现在，我还很挂念他，很后悔当时没告诉她我真正的感受。也许我一着沉迷在我的世界里，无法自拔。我一直告诉我自己它已经死了，快把它忘掉。但在我心中的一个空虚的角落里还一直渴望， 还相信他还活着。 有一天他会再出现在我的面前。很可笑的想法。

 

虽然我有我喜欢的人， 但他的位置是永远不能被取代，永远是那么的特别。在我心里他是那么完美无缺，教了我很多事情。

 

本来有很多事我们已经约定好了，但事实多么的残酷。我永远也无法去遵守我对他的约定。

Your Brain is 53% Female, 47% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

내 눈엔...
너 만 보인다는말...
난...거짓말이라고 생각해...
내눈엔 많은 사람들이 보여..
그 치만..그 많은 사람들 중에서
" 너만을 찾게돼..."

In my eyes...
The saying that you're the only one I see...
That, I believe is a lie...
In my eyes, I see a lot of people...
But, throughout that group of people,
I only search for you.


---

"첫눈에 반하는것... 일분 걸린다.
누군가를 좋아하게 되는것... 한시간.
누군가를 사랑하게 되는 시간... 하루..
누군가를 잊는것... 평생 걸린다.."
-진주 목걸이


It takes one minute to fall in love at first sight...
One hour to like someone...
One day to love someone...
And a lifetime to forget someone...

---

피할수없다면 즐겨라.
튀지 못한다면
찌그러져라.
나서지 못한다면
알어서 기어라.
포기할거라면
시작도 하지 마라.
도망칠 거라면
앞으로 뛰어라.
내것이 아니면 버려라.
가질수 없다면 잊어라.
잊을수 없다면
내것으로 만들어라.
내것으로 만들수 없다면
그리움만 배워라.

translation
If you can't escape it , enjoy it.
It you can't bounce it, crush it.
If you can't stand up, crawl.
If you're going to give up, don't even start.
If you're going to run away, run forward.
If it's not yours, throw it away.
If you can't have it, forget about it.
It you can't forget it, make it yours.
If you can't make it yours, learn to deal with it.
---

근데 사람은 말야, 99가지 장점 중에서 한 가지 단점만 보면
아무리 괜찮은 사람이라도 온갖 정나미 다 떨어지는 거구,
99가지 단점밖에 없는 사람인데 나머지 1%의 장점이 눈에 띄면,
거기에 반하는 거야. 그게 그 사람에 매력이라는 거지.
다를 사람들 눈에는 보이지 않아도 내게 그런 1%의 어떤 것이
눈에 뜬다면 사랑하게 되는 거야.
<1% 어떤 것>

But for people, if they see one fault out of 99 good points,
they can lose all affection even for a decent person,
and even in a person with 99 faults, if the remaining good 1% catches their eye,
then they fall for that person. That's that person's charm.
Though other people don't see, if that 1% of something catches my eye,
I start to love.
<1% chance of love>
---

i got it from some site .. forget where ^^ just want to share it here ...

Love,

Ingrid~

삼순이 : 너 나 좋아하냐?

삼식이 : 좋아하는게 뭔데?

삼순이: 너 나보면 막 두근거리고 내가 더 이뻐 보이구,
　　　 너 내가 없을땐 조금 보고싶고,
　　　 내가 딴 남자랑 어울리면 화나고,
　　　 시도때도 없이 내가 떠오르고 그러냐?
삼식이 : 그럼 나 너 좋아하는거 아닌가보다...
　　　 널 보면 두근거리는게 아니라 심장이 터질 것 같아,
　　　
　　　 더 이뻐 보이는게 아니라 더 이상 이뻐보일수 없을만큼 예쁘고,
　　　 조금 보고싶은게 아니라 널 안보면 미칠만큼이나 보고싶다.
　　　
　　　 다른 남자와 어울리면 화나냐고?
　　　 화나는 정도가 아니라 그 자식을 죽이고 싶을만큼 괴로워.
　　　
　　　 니가 시도때도없이 떠오르는게 아니라 ,
　　　 한시도 떠나지않고 떠오른다.　　　
　　　
　　　 그럼 이건 좋아하는게 아닌거맞지..

Sam-soon-ee: do you like me?

Sam-shik-ee: what is the definition of liking someone?

Sam-soon-ee: you know, it‘s like
when you see me, your heart beats fast and i look a bit prettier
When i‘m not there, you kinda want to see me
When i‘m with another guy, you get mad
And at any given time and year, you suddenly remember me. That kind of a thing.

Sam-shik-ee: then i must not like you. See,

When i see you, my heart does not pound. I feel like it will burst.
You don‘t look a bit pretty. You look so pretty that no one could possibly be prettier than you are.
I don‘t kinda want to see you, if i don‘t see you, i think i‘m gonna go crazy.
Am i mad when you hang out with other guys? Mad isn‘t even the word to describe it. I‘m in so much pain that I want to kill him.
I don‘t remember you at any given time and year, I remember you every single second.

Then this isn‘t liking you right?

again and again i've been neglecting my lophly journal ... it's not that i don't have things to rambling in here. but too busy or should i say too lazy to type it in here ....

So it's been 2 weeks since the last i update ... is it? I kind of losing the track of time ... or something wrong with my short term memory ... i don't know .... how can i be so forgetful in such young age ...

What kind of guy that i like ... i never sort it out myself ... but my friends notice it, they said I always fall for the same sort of guys ... and to my astonishment ... the guys i like mostly Virgo .... *shrugs* since when i have things for Virgo ... there's some quality in virgo guys that attract me i *guess* .... what quality? i don't know myself but definitely that kind of coolness ... i don't know what made them so attractive with those attitude .... feels like kind of mysterious ... intriguing and yet so appealing  .....  I must be sick saying things like this ....

So i do feel like the character that i build in HyeRIn's blog is like potraying my life ... i mean i do used some factual information that i saw in my life .... but well not exactly the same. but all of a sudden i feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is almost the same with Hyerin&Danny's... that kinda freak me out ....

i remember that i said i don't like romantic type of guys ... but well every girl want to have a romantic relationship with their boyfriend ... but not romantic every second ... that's too mushy ... i just want him to be romantic oncein a while .... ^^; just like HyeRin's expectation toward Danny ....

I decided to go on hiatus at writing this story .... i got tons of story ideas but well not to write it now is one of the good decision ... it makes me feel like revealing my own love life right now ... sounds like publicity ... and trust me i don't need it.... i've got to change some of the plot ....

I never thought that i'm walking through the 'soap opera' path ... i mean look at my life ... my love live to be exact ... i used to say ah those movies thing are all bullshit ... no one gonna go through that kind of life ... but well i experienced it .... don't make any conclusion hahaha .... *shrugs* life is totally full of shocking surprises, don't you think so? it makes me wondering sometimes .... what kind of shocking events waiting for me ....

like yesterday when i'm doing a social service, i met someone a girl to be exact ... that i don't wanna meet the most .... she's like wandering right in front of my face a dozens time ... she didn't recognize me of course, cause we never met ... i saw her picture before .. she knew my name ... okay this girl is like potraying Hyori's in Hyerin's blog ... but i think Hyori's is totally TOO MUCH ... or well too bitchy ... this girl isn't this worse ... or as far as i know she's not that 'annoying' .... but she gets on my nerves .... *sigh* .... but guess someday we'll met again ... hope my feeling is wrong ... what if it's going to be like Hyori VS HyeRin in Blog ... there's no se7en who's gonna defend Hyerin right ... and whose side Danny's gonna take? d@rn it's like I'm trying to predict my own life using that fictional character of my story .... I must be sound so pathetic ... so insecure ... and so dumb!

But well after rambling out in here i definitely feel a lot better ... It's like throwing some weight from my heart to the dustbin ... maybe that's what journal for ... don't cha think so? pouring your thoughts...  it definitely make you feel better ^^

Love,

Ingrid~

 

been thinking to wrote about something like this before ... have you ever wonder in your life? wondering about you existency? wondering about yourself ... what are you doing in your life? and what you want to do with your life in the future?

In fact it's been wandering on my thought pretty often lately. I once asked myself If I really exist? what if all that I've been through is only a dream or maybe I am only a character build by an author ...

I can't even answer that question myself, but this philosophy question sounds interesting right? but somehow can't be answer isn't it ironic? Because of thinking we're exist ... that's what one of the philosopher said ... i forget who ... is it Imanuel Kant or somebody else ...

the truth is Life is totally like a dream ... it's unpredictable, a lot of things happen... and you can't control it .... when good things happen we will be happy and grateful ... but what if bad things happen, we will curse and get angry over it. I really do think that everything that happen, happen for a reason... I'm not a saint, so when bad things happen i can't deny it I also cursing and stuff ... but try to look at the bright side ... cause not every bad thing that happen will be a total worse ... it also have the good side ... something that we can learn and these things made us grow up. But it's really up to yourself.

Hmm, what's your vision for your life? Do you have any goal that you want to set up for yourself? I do have .... and i believe that everyone have! i have a set of standard... which i apply to myself and sometimes to my astonishment ... i apply it to other people as well ... and it often turn out be dissapointing ... the higher expectation you have ... the bigger your dissapoinment .... isn't that true?

What's the most important thing for you about friendship... mine is about trust ... do you trust your friends? I do trust them. Trusting people not an easy things to do for some poeple but i trust people easily ... that's my weakness ... cause of this, i often get hurt .... but also at the other hand ... i feel more closer to my true friends ... i often got hurt from this weakness of mine ... feel like certain friend been backstab me and betrayed my trust... and nothing more could feel as hurt as this ... and when you give this certain ppl another chance ... they keep repeating their mistakes? *sigh*

Love,

Ingrid~

Responsibility ... this is one of the most crucial things that everyone discussed over and over again ... everyone in this world have responsibility in everything that they do ... they are in fact responsible for their own life.

I often see people who's running away or try to avoid their responsibility. sometimes by throw their responsibility to others. I hate this kind of people.

How important is responsibility for you? sometimes i feel like people looking down on this subject... there's 3 kind of people who looks down on responsibility ... (at least from my POV) first type is the people who doesn't care when the resposibility things isn't concern about him ... i called this people egoistics .... and the 2nd type is the people doesn't care about responsibility when it only concern to him/herself ... and what should i said about this type... a type who sacrifice him/herself for other? don't think so ... and the 3rd type they don't even care what responsibility is ... i even doubt that they don't even know the meaning.

Do you think hurting yourself is kind of responsibility? i find people who self mutilating themselves don't responsible for their own life ... what do they get from slit their wrist? a constant pain that they this is a pleasure? This really doesn't make any sense to me. I never thought that some of my friends do this to theirselves....

Empathy is not easy ... i try to stand in their feet. i try to look at world through their paradigm... but guess what? i can't even find 1 single reason why people hurting their ownself ... is it because they feel they only have to be responsible to theirselves cause it theirs own life? *sigh*

Love,

Ingrid~

Do you believe in yourself....? I mean how far do you believe in yourself? how often you doubt about your own ability and afraid that everything you do might turn out to be in total mess?

Sometimes i doubt my own ability ... fearing to fail myself into some dark hole and can never turning back again ... I'm afraid of rejection ... I'm afraid of how people will judge me ... while people think that i never really care what they said ... in fact i do care ... but what i show them is at the contrary ..... they think that i'm a very tough girl ... but somehow i feel so weak inside ...

Sometimes i think over and over again, what if someday i wake up and find all the things that i done is never been right?

Love,

Ingrid~

I have post about resposibility yesterday ... and this subject keep wandering in my mind .... and the topic about self mutilating ....

I said before that i can't understand what they thinking... that's true, even empathy-ing can't even make myself understand the reason why they doing it ....

Is there any logical reason, that can make me understand why people trying to hurt themselves. some people like to abuse themselves ... either mentally or physically. what's the reason to make yourself suffered like that?

slit open your own wrist .... saying that they would rather die than to live in this world .... I just can't believe it, if they really want to die... they won't just slit it carefully and choose the clean razor... for me they're seeking for attention by doing this action.

What's the pleasure by hurting your physical self? I mean people who's in their right mind won't find any pleasure ... Hurting your self to endure the mental pain? I really can't believe this kind of thought either ....

Have they ever think about people who care and love about them? By abusing theirselves it's not only hurting their ownself ... but it also make people who care more suffered.

I'm trying to understand them... i try to watch 'gore' movie or some movie which have this kind of topics but it end up i just feel disgusted. I just disgusted at the fact why people love to watch that kind of bloody scenes ... some of the bloody scenes doesn't even make sense ... guess the director must be sick for directing that kind of movie ...

Love,

Ingrid`

 

Transgender is someone who feel that his or her body is trap on the opposite sex body .... That's not the exact meaning but to make it short just keep it like that....

Some people think it's gross ... i don't know myself what make people think that they're gross. unintentionally or sometimes intentionally peoples make practical jokes on them, which i have to said so pathetic and immature!

I have never had transgender friends... not as far as i know. But i read some of the transgender people who brave enough to make an autobiography about their life. I really salute them ... big applause for them, If i were them, I can't said I will be brave enough to admit it...

I once watch a movie, a true story ... A Beautiful Boxer. The movie potraying the life from little boy until SHE's finally becoming a woman. How he struggle from his family and society... he often put on a make up when peoples can't see him, he likes to dance but his parents put him in boxing arena.... this is really sad right?

But he become a really succesful boxer, undefeatable .... he collect the money that he win from the boxing and with that money he finally can get the surgery that he want ... he finally become a she ....

That's the movie summary ... this is one of the movie that i will recomment people to watch... i watch this movie 2 times and it never cease to amaze me ...

Another transgender person that i admire is Harisu.... many of you must known her already... she's a singer, an actress and also a model ... what can you say about her... she got the girl power more than any girls .... i've been looking for thebiography and lectures that she made in korean univ. ...

She really do amaze me, she actually confess to public that she used to be male. that really took a lot of courage... some of the transgender we know are those who are brave enough to open up their selves but what about those who doesn't have courage ... they must be living in misery ... trying to hide themselves ... afraid that people will hate them...afraid that their family will disowned them .... but well everything really comes from within ourselves if we can conquer our selves ... there's nothing we should afraid of ...

Love,

Ingrid~