[.:.InGrid's Alter Ego.:.]

I haven't update lately, due to my laziness and due to some other reasons that made me not be able to post up something in my lovely journal.

A lot of things happening to me lately, some of them good and some of them are bad! i just can't way that i want that all bad things away from me, cause i know with that bad things ... it help me to grow up. Even not in a nice way.

I want some change in my life, and yeah i got it. But not a nice one, like losing your grandmother. It's totally something that can change my life, i mean dreadfuly. My grandmom is one of the MOST influential person in my life. My significant others. THe one who taught me and raising me up. That kind of lost ... i feel as if some part of my life is missing as well. Reminicensing some old memories definitely make me sad....

What i hate the most these past month, i just can't show how sad i am. I just not allowed to be annoying, to distributing my anger energy, i should be like this and i should be like that. It's like I'm putting on a mask when i have to face people. I hate that. But i don't know if i put on a good show.

I can't show my real emotion in my house, and i can't show my emotion when i hang out with my friends either. I don't want to be in this moody states all the time, but surpressing it this long, kind of make me sick.

Maybe like joining the gym class gonna make me better, but the bad news is my physics isn't that good lately. I can't even be too tired, a little bit over work, or everytime i reach the limit, i fall sick.

I feel like i want to cry.... but my tears just won't come out. I hate my stupidity. i hate it when i feel sad but can't crying out. I just want to cry and let this sadness all go away. and that's it after that let my sorrow go away with the tears. But i just can't even cry. that make the matter worse.

I've been through something like this before. and i choose to deny the fact. but i don't wanna deny the fact this time. I want to face it. But i just don't know how to do it, i don't even know how to cry properly. I sometimes envy ppl who can cry out when they're sad. I can't cry, but sometimes i feel like my heart is crying but my tears just won't come out..... it make me so sick.

Maybe just like my friends said, i think pride is much more important, that i don't allowed myself to cry in front of other people, and now it's become a habit that i can't change.

I find it not comfortable to cry in front of other people, but well i can't even cry silently in my own room, it make me feel so stupid. I'm so tired of wearing a persona in front of people. i hate it i hate it ... even if i'm sad i gotta look happy and act like as if nothing wrong.

My parents can be sad or upset towards this tragedy, i am also sad. I was in the condition where i should understand them, but they don't understand me. I have to look okay in front of them, but who knows that I'm suffering??? They can express their sadness and they can even get angry toward some little thing that annoyed them towards me (even if that's something not significant) it make me feel like I'm the object for them. So who's gonna be my object? i dun have any!

Maybe my entry make me sounds like a depressive girl .... but well i dun care, i just want to let it out. I can't find a place to let it all out. i need someone to comfort me, but i couldn't find any. Maybe it's not that i couldn't find any person, it's just me who don't want to open my heart to them. Just don't feel like having a heart to heart talk and then get betrayed. I know several people who i can share it with, But they're quite busy with school and work, i just don't want to bother them.

Just like Kavana's song "Will You Wait For Me" i just can't believe it. it make me more and more mellow and i got so obsorbed with this songs. want to cry everytime i hear it, but can't .... 

I need to talk with you again, why did you go away? all our time together, just seem like yesteryday......... and if  promise not to feel this pain, will i see you again, will i see you again? cause time will passed me by, maybe i'll never learn to smile, but i know i'll make it through if you wait for me ... won't you wait for me... and all the tears i've cried, no matter how i tried ... they never vring you home to me, so won't you wait for me ... In HEAVEN.

I really want this pain to go away .....

Love,

InGrid~

 

 

Can't even get my mind to think straight right now.... can't even think in more positive way... everything in my mind seems to be negative .... everything seems to be annoying me.....

I'm tired of wearing the mask over and over again, acted as if nothing wrong. I'm not a clown, who can smile and make people happy when in fact I'm sad myself.

Trying to get over this, it's not easy. It's easy for people who keep telling me to get over this, don't think too much ... it's easy to say but not easy to do. Giving advice to other people is totally easy, all you gotta do is only talk, but it's hard to implement it in your life.

Sometimes I'm thinking when i gave people advice, am i being like that too? Giving someone advices can be frustrating too. Like in my situation right now, people giving me advice and i was like hey i don't need that kind of advice or hey of course i know that too! But i didn't tell them. I know they care about me .... i don't want to be rude toward them.

It make me think over and over again. I've been to absorbed with my own sorrow, that i can't even think straight.

Yesterday, finally i can cry even if it's only for a moment. I can cry out, but it's not make me feel better. My mom came inside my room and then i acted like nothing was wrong. I hold back my tears again, that's what make me feel miserable again and again.

I feel like slowly i've been drifiting into this black hole, it's like sucking me in. I'm trying to get out of this place, with my own strength. But unfortunately, I'm not yet succeed.... I'll try harder and harder... until i feel all of my energy been drained out.... I feel like i fell down into deep and dark well, I'm yelling for someont to save me, but at the last I'm trying to climb up from the well .... eventhough i fall down again and again .... i feel like i want to give up, but no .... it's just not me ... i have to strugle no matter how hard it is ... i just don't want to dissapoint my significant others...  Just give me some times .... I know i will heal, i will get over everything soon, just give me some times .... only times ....

Love,

Ingrid~ 

Your Birthdate: October 14

You work well with others. That is, you're good at getting them to do work for you. It's true that you get by on your charm. But so what? You make people happy! You're dynamic, clever, and funny. And people like to have you around. But you're so restless, they better not expect you to stay around for long. Your strength: Your superstar charisma Your weakness: Commitment means nothing to you Your power color: Fuchsia Your power symbol: Diamond Your power month: May

Yesterday i have a dream, i can't remember the dream clearly. actually i really forget what my dream is all about. Now that i'm at office feeling that the my energy is like only 50% ... the rest of 50% is like being sucked by another power or another psyche. Maybe I'm using my energy in my dream world.....

It makes me remember about Jung theory, said that the flow of energy if not distributed consciously, then it will be distributed in out unconsciously. Just like this, the energy flow and show itselves on my dream.

Dream, sometimes seeing people you miss through dream, going to make you feel better and sometimes it make you feel even worse. What does a dream tell you about? For chinese we believe the spirit of the dead people communicate to us through dream. I just want to believe that. But i can't be that supersticious right? According to psychology theory, we have that dream cause we think to much about it. Or sometimes that memory is too strong and we trying to deny or repress it, and it manifest through dream.

For me, i guess it's because of denial and repressing. Even after I graduated from Univ., even if i graduate with psycho degree, i think i still can't understand my own self. understanding yourself isn't easy. I remember how i stuck whenever i try to analyze my ownself.  It's like there's already a mindset, already have a bias, this is me and this is not me. and like A know me like this and B know me like that.  It's like I'm not trying to show myself, but analyzing my mask.

I want to be able to open all my mask and showing people my real self ... i just want to be myself ...

Love,

Ingrid~

 

The 2nd entry for today, I feel so sleepy that i can't barely open my eyes, i try to stay awake with many attempts, my eyes is still open but definitely obvious that my face craving for sleep. I also feel hungry, lately i mean during my vegetarian period, i feel hungry so often.

What i really want right now is a pillow and blanket. I want to lay down on my bed and cuddling with my pillow, and curl under the blanket. That definitely sounds so tempting.

So tomorrow plan is watching "Fast and Furious:Tokyo Drift" and go to "noraebang".How it gonna turn out to be, i really don't know. It might turn out better or even worse. Everything have 2 sides right? positive and negative, you can't hope for everything to be all good.

My plan for tonight is having a sleep as soon as i can. My body need the rest, my brain also need it. Need to synchronize my body and mind, don't I?

There's a lot of books at my home right now, that I'm kinda rushing in reading those books. want to finish it as soon as i can, but too many things lately that made my reading schedule a little bit delayed.

I haven't even update HyeRin's blog, due to lack of idea, lack of energy and well not feeling to write it right now.

What i really need right now is refreshing. maybe go out with ur love one or yeah go out alone, i want to dress up like i used to be, wearing baggy shirts and baggy pants, wearing a cap and used a bagpack ... wandering around like that. But well can't do that now since I'm already working.

*sigh*

Love,

Ingrid~

Everything happen for a reason? Made me think a lot. Is everything in my life happened becaue of my fault or cause i really do want it that way? ...

Like a complicated relationship... no it's not relationship... i don't even know what to call that. Maybe it is but at the other hand it also not. Everything which is in the grey spot ... isn't mysterious... it's annoying ... you can stay mysterious for a while, but after certain time it will make people sick!

Why can't people just spill everything out, just like pouring out their heart or just being honest without running around in a circle. It's tiring when you have to run around in the circle. Why have to make life more complicated, when in fact you can make it more simple. Life is already complicated enough.... But unfortunately for some people ... they think life will be more colorful in this way .... *sigh*

I really have no clue that i've hurt someone. I mean i do it unintentionally. I never meant to hurt anyone. I really do. But how can I fix what I've done? I don't think i can. He's a nice guy and I don't want to hurt him like that. It made me feel guilty. It's not that I love him, but he's a nice friend.

I know how it feels when your heart is hurt.... i certainly know how it feel, and i don't want anyone feel that way because of me. Which I know i can't control how the way they feel. Is it my fault??? i don't even know it at all

Love,

Ingrid~

Change is not an overnight process that can be attained easily. It is a step-by-step method in which we experience troubles and failures. But in the end of this process, we will achieve a good outcome!